Be vulnerable….but don’t overshare. I don’t need to know the details, unless you have some juicy details. No, not the heart stuff, the really juicy stuff. 
It’s okay to cry…but also don’t be so dramatic, your life is pretty great.
Take care of yourself first…but can you volunteer for this and help me with that and you need to show up more and what is your career again?
Your body is perfect the way it is…but you already know, your body could definitely be better. You used to be kind of hot. You can look like that again, just make more of an effort. 
Age gracefully…but you know you need to get all the work done to make it look like you don’t have any work done, right? Everybody knows this.
No mom shaming, we are in this together…but your kid is really struggling. What do you think you are doing wrong? You just have to be doing something wrong. MY kid ….
Marriage takes work…but why are you in therapy? Things must be falling apart. Now that I think about it, your marriage not being perfect is definitely what is wrong with your kid.  Also, remember what I said about your body and aging gracefully and taking care of yourself?
No one expects you to be perfect…but your imperfection is really making me uncomfortable. Don’t worry, you can fix all this. It’s simple.