Love Letters

12:05am December 29, 2018: 1-year alcohol-free
I had another blog written for my 1 year and it was all about how amazing this year has been, how much I have learned and changed, I will share it later but today I just want to say Thank You.
Mike– You have been the strength in my soul this year. I don’t even have all the right words to say to you but this part of our lives together could have looked very different. 365 days ago I poured my heart out in a way that I had never done before and you helped me choose the pieces to let go of and the pieces to hold on to. You gave me space when I needed space, you entertained me when I couldn’t find my joy, you have supported me and grown beside me from the beginning moments. Most of all, you have been proud of me. You looked at me when I was broken, all that I saw was love. You easily could have encouraged me to hide this part of our life together instead you have been all in with me. I could not be where I am today without you. I love you.
My kids– You are both just big chunks of my heart walking around in the world. We have talked a lot this year about all of the everything. My goal is not to be the perfect mom (boring) but to be a mom that later in life gets to also become a friend. It is hard to navigate the line between too-much-information and this-is-real-life hopefully I am doing it right and if not, never be too proud for therapy. Really, I just want you to know that we are your safe place, your hiding place, your biggest fans, and we are here to help you navigate life. And that I love you higher than the heavens and deeper than the seas. 
My sister– Evyn, you probably have no idea how much your love and support has meant to me. You have remembered my anniversary date every month before I even have! You have done more than just support.. you have participated. Last month you texted me “You should be so proud! Having true courage is becoming rare these days.” Family can be the hardest people to be true with because there is so much more at stake. Thank you for loving me exactly as I am, bossy big sister and all. 
My parents– I can’t imagine a harder thing in life than to know your child is struggling and that you can not fix it for them. You have given me support and encouragement without ever making me feel less. I am sure it has been hard to not ask a million questions or give your opinions on how I should be doing things but you have done it. You are an example of grace and home. I know that no matter what happens in my life, you will always be there for me, and that is the greatest gift you could ever give me. 
My friends– How awkward was it when I first started blurting out that I quit drinking?! So awkward. Sorry I just kind of threw that on you, I didn’t know how else to handle it. Thank you for loving me in my awkwardness. Thank you for just wanting me to be okay. It is hard to know as a friend how to support but also not have every conversation be “checking in”. I totally get it and we got through it together! When people change friendships adjust or begin to end. Some of my friendships have grown and some have ended. But they are all exactly where they are supposed to be. I am truly lucky to have such strong supportive women surrounding me. Women that are can be real and open without competitiveness or judgment. Thank you for walking through life with me. Thank you for being a phone call away. Thank you for loving my kids and my family. Thank you for not caring that I never fix my hair. 
My community– My kids go to a small Christian school in which passing judgment would have been so easy. Sideways hall glances could have been the norm but instead, you have loved me with open arms. I have gotten emails and texts from my kid’s teachers past and present telling me they love me, they love my kids and they are proud of me. I have had parents I barely know share their stories or give me the random hug. I have had friends share stories I never knew existed. I have gotten too many messages from all the people I have collected over the years to even count. Mike’s business friends, people from his company, spouses of people from his company, yoga teachers that I haven’t seen in a year have all hugged me and messaged me. I had no idea how incredibly beautiful my community is. Be proud of yourselves. Every message, awkward high five, tear-stained hug has helped me to get to this day. In a time you could have chosen shame, you chose to love. 
My recovery community– I thought I was alone but there you were. With similar stories, completely different stories and everything in between. Some of you I will never meet, some of you I talk to weekly, but knowing that I have your stories in my heart and you have mine in yours as we are scattered all over the world brings me immense comfort. Thank you for your realness and rawness and pure vulnerability because you gave me the strength to share mine.

8 responses to “Love Letters”

    1. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love your writing! Your heart is evident in every word. What a gift you share….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Lyndsey!


  2. Your words are beautiful! So is your heart! Happy one year of freeeeeedom, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤️❤️❤️❤️


  3. Congratulations. Here’s to many moreZ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!!


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